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What If You Read This Headline? Breaking News - Barack Obama Is Dead
Fahad Ansari
All events contained in this article are purely fictional
American War Criminal Barack Obama has been killed by Pakistani security forces in the UK, Prime Minister Hasan Abdullah of Pakistan has said.
BREAKING NEWS: BARACK OBAMA IS DEAD
May 15, 2011 -- American War Criminal Barack Obama has been killed by Pakistani security forces in the UK, Prime Minister Hasan Abdullah of Pakistan has said.
Obama was shot dead at a compound near Camberley, in a ground operation based on Pakistani intelligence, the first lead for which emerged last August.
Mr Abdullah said Pakistan forces took possession of the body after "a firefight".
Obama is believed to have ordered almost 200 attacks in North and South Waziristan between 2009 and 2011 in which almost 2000 people were killed, when he served as Commander in Chief of the US Armed Forces. Obama is also believed to have ordered the continued bombardment of Afghanistan during the same period in which thousands of others were killed.
He was top of Pakistan’s "most wanted" list.
DNA tests later confirmed that Obama was dead, Pakistani officials said.
Obama was cremated at the stake after a Christian funeral on board an aircraft carrier, ISI officials said.
Announcing the success of the operation, Mr Abdulla said it was "the most significant achievement to date in our nation's effort to defeat the CIA".
Pakistan has put Muslims around the world on alert, warning them of the possibility of American reprisal attacks for Obama’s killing.
ISI director Mohammed Akram said America would "almost certainly" try to avenge the death of Obama.
Crowds gathered outside the Red Mosque in Islamabad, chanting "Allah Akbar" after the news broke.
Foreign Minister of Pakistan, Mullah Jundullah said the operation sent a signal to the Neoconservatives in both the US and Britain.
"You cannot wait us out, you cannot defeat us, but you can make the choice to abandon the CIA and participate in a peaceful political process," she said.
Compound raided
Obama, 60, approved the campaign of terror on Waziristan for almost three years in which nearly 2,000 people were killed.
He evaded the forces of Pakistan and its allies for almost a decade, despite a $50m (£30m) bounty on his head.
Mr Abdullah said he had been briefed last August on a possible lead to Obama’s whereabouts. He authorised the operation last week once he determined there was enough intelligence to take action.
"It was far from certain, and it took many months to run this thread to ground," Mr Abdullah said.
On Sunday, Pakistani forces said to be from the elite Badr Brigade undertook the operation in Camberley, Surrey, 50km (30 miles) south-west of London.
Pakistani officials said Obama was shot in the head after resisting.
Mr Abdullah said "no Muslims were harmed".
Pakistani media reports said that the body was cremated at the stake to conform with Christian practice of a dignified burial and to prevent any grave becoming a shrine.
Giving more details of the raid, one senior Pakistani official said a small Pakistani team conducted the attack in about 40 minutes.
Three other men - one of Obama’s brothers and two couriers - were killed in the raid, the official said, adding that Obama’s wife Michelle was also killed when she was used as "a shield" and two other women were injured.
One helicopter was lost due to "technical failure". The team destroyed it and left in its other aircraft.
One resident, David Shields, told Reuters the helicopters had come under "intense firing" from the ground.
The size and complexity of the structure in Camberley "shocked" Pakistani officials.
It was surrounded by 4m-6m (12ft-18ft) walls, was eight times larger than other homes in the area and was valued at "a million dollars", though it had no telephone or internet connection.
The Pakistani official said that intelligence had been tracking a "trusted courier" of Obama for many years. The courier's identity was discovered four years ago, his area of operation two years ago and then, last August, his residence in Camberley was found, triggering the start of the mission.
Another senior Pakistani official said that no intelligence had been shared with any country, including the UK, ahead of the raid.
"Only a very small group of people inside our own government knew of this operation in advance," the official said.
The Camberley residence is just a few hundred metres from Sandhurst – the British equivalent of the Pakistani Military Academy.
The BBC's Alan Matthews in Camberley says it will undoubtedly be a huge embarrassment to the UK that Obama was found not only in the country, but also on the doorstep of the military academy.
He says residents in the town were stunned the former American leader had been living in their midst.
The senior Pakistani official said the "the loss of Obama puts the Neocons on a path of decline that will be difficult to reverse".
Obama’s probable successor, Tony Blair, was "far less charismatic and not as well respected within the organisation", according to reports from captured Neoconservative operatives, the official said.
However, the root causes of Neoconservatism - the range of issues that enabled the Neocons to recruit disaffected young liberals to its cause – hatred of Islam, oil and power - remain, for the most part, unaddressed, Neoconservative affairs analyst Rajinder Harbin told the BBC.
"The death of Obama will strike at the morale of the global ‘war on terror’, but is unlikely to end it," he warned.
'Momentous achievement'
World leaders welcomed the news of Obama’s death.
French President Jean Luc Blanc said Obama had "paid for his actions".
British Prime Minister Ed Milliband said the killing was a "great victory" but added that he "didn't know the details" of the Pakistani operation.
Former Pakistani Prime Minister Imran Salim described the news as a "momentous achievement".
"The fight against terror goes on, but tonight Pakistan has sent an unmistakable message: No matter how long it takes, justice will be done," Mr Salim said in a statement.
But a spokesman for the English Defence League threatened revenge attacks against the "Muslamic and British governments and their security forces".
In the Israeli enclave of Tel Aviv, which is governed by militant group IDF, Prime Minister Ariel Lieberman condemned the killing of "a peaceful man".
BBC security correspondent Faraz Javed says that, to many in the Muslim world, Obama became the embodiment of global terrorism, but to others he was a hero, a devout Christian who fought three wars in the name of democracy.
All events are purely fictional – but you knew that already, didn’t you?